I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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