I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable