I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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