i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
