I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
