Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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