Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
