I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
