well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
