Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
