Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
