I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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