My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
