I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
