Jerry, you need to find god
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Randomize
