my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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