nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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