i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize