You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
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After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
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I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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