I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
