Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
