Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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