Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
