Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
