My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You can't motorboat a personality
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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