He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
