Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
The cops high fived after they tackled you
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
