I can tuck mytits in my pants
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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