Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
