My sheets look like a crime scene.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
