what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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