i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
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My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
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Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Everyone says I win the strip club
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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