I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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