I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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