Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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