allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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