Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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