There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
