i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
