tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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