I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
too bad you live with your parents still
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
