The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
