Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
