I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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