I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
