I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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