alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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