I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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