I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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