You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
