Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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