All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Randomize
