she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
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