The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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