She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
