at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
