can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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