Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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