This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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