Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
