I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
