Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
