when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
